I remember when a friend turned 30. I was 21 at the time. I remember how depressed she was, the things she said - they just didn't make sense. Now I look back & she was actually right on the ball. It's the age when you realize that someday you are going to die. And that someday will be here very shortly. It says to you, "Hey! It is what it is! Enjoy!" Instead of the overly zealous, big dreaming, reaching for the stars 20 something year old who truly believes anything is possible. Now I wish I would have taken better care of my hands. lol
Don't get me wrong. I still know anything is possible. I also know of some pretty big mistakes I made within the past 10 years that I really wish I could have bypassed. Still I stand on the ground that is solid only because that path had led me here. So essentially, maybe I am grateful for the trials and tribulations. Probably not as grateful as I will be in another 10 years when I really start to figure stuff out. But boy - the 20's sure do test & mold you, don't they?
I am so glad I've taken this path actually. I think about how many other roads I could have traveled. Some less desirable. This one suits well. It feels right. And my heart is finally full of joy. I am grateful for that. I finally have the courage to do things knowingly that I would have never had the courage to do before. Maybe I would have done them but in an ignorant fashion, most likely ending up with some sort of negative implication dragging on into the distant years. Just the ramblings coming from a camper sitting out in the mountains on a snowy afternoon.
I love challenge. It was something that I haven't really experienced in a few years. Definitely was not satisfied with my level of complacency. But the challenge of accepting the hands of time as they tick & tock away at your body & mind? I guess everyone has to go through it. You start thinking about things, like - you realize that if you ever want to have kids you should probably start thinking about it. You don't want to end up alone. You don't want to end up with somebody but unhappily. I'm not too worried about these things, I'm still stuck on the "what do I want to be when I grow up?" Which probably will never end.
I read the other day that the average person tells 8-10 white lies per conversation (of course depending one how long it is). It is true that these people who tell these white lies are liked more by others then the person who is blatantly honest. How many times do you see the guy who is just so full of it yet everyone loves him. This idea sparked my thinking motor. I've really made a strong effort to be 100% transparent & honest with myself & everybody around me. Especially over the past 5 years. I love living that way. Brandon seems to agree, it's the way to go. But boy - then I throw myself into the outside world again and wonder if it's such a good idea. I mean, people just don't seem to like you as much when you are totally honest. I like how, at this age you can really understand some of these things better. It's a relief from the suspense of wondering what the heck is going on.
Just some thoughts. It's been difficult keeping up on this blog with the other one going. Back in the day words would pour for 20 hours straight. I would stay up all night just to write. Now it seems I have to struggle to find the words to type. Or perhaps struggle to find sufficient time to dig deeper & to find the words to write. Things have been so busy. I yearn for the day when I can just sit down & do what I do best. Maybe write a song, write a poem...or write a blog. Maybe just share a little love in the world & quit worrying about everything that I cant control anyway....Until then, these ramblings will have to do.
